Golfing mindgames

As Tiger Woods returned to play at Augusta, we all know now what he was thinking about as he walked the fairways of the world’s great courses! Postgrad Paddy Mc Menamin in a previous life was a machine operator in a car factory and he reveals what he thought about as he put in another ‘stimulating’ day in the Opel Empire!

The radio alarm screeches through my sleepy brain at 7 am on another wonderful Monday morning as I contemplate my awful fate as a pawn in the Opel Empire. Quick wash, slice of toast, and I’m on my way. Clock in, just made it, 7.51am, two minutes grace – tight bastards these Germans for time; it helps also to understand why they are all down on the beach in Playa Del Ingles at 8 am when the Irish are only going to bed!

Quick chat with one of the boys about the previous day’s golf and then away we go to the welding machine for another glorious day. Check the work sheet, "Oh no" 101-724; Stage 10; robotic turntable; 500 parts an hour; 60 in a box; 15 boxes on a pallet; 4,167 a day! Mind boggling stuff, round it goes until you are f-ing dizzy! Perhaps it could be worse –could live in Gaza, or a cave in Afghanistan or be a defender trying to stop Messi!

Anyway I think I’ve discovered a unique way to get through another boring day in a car components plant.. I read a book recently about Albert Speer (Hitler’s Armaments Minister during the war and sentenced to 20 years at Nuremberg). To keep himself sane, during his daily exercise around the small circular prison yard, he imagined he was walking around Europe – he mapped out meticulously the route and exact kilometres and each step he took in the yard, was another step in his mind through the occupied cities of Europe! Sitting at my machine I tried to take a leaf out of his book and I let my mind wander to the first tee at Dunfanaghy Golf Club! Standing looking down the fairway I whip out the Calloway Big Bertha and set a new Nike ball on a tee, head down, bend the knees, drop the shoulder, nice slow swing and ‘whack’ – 250 yards, fading to the right, over the first drain and lands in the light rough, 90 yards and an eight iron to the green – always good to get the first drive away. The second shot goes left and finds a bunker and the inevitable bogey. Now there are some things in life that are better avoided and I can tell you, ending up in a bunker at the first at 8.30am is one of them (even if it is in your mind!).

Several holes later and where are we…back to reality, still on target; bracket; slide; foot pedal; turntable revolving clockwise; check the target; check the clock; never ending nightmare of boring life on an assembly line in a car components factory; more boring than Enda Kenny, even more boring than the Lillie Bordello guest list, time for a piss, couple of minute’s break from the routine. Back to work, keep going it will soon be tea time...time for another hole at Dunfanaghy. The picturesque ninth beckons. Par three, in a little cove with rocks and sand and sea and bunkers and out of bounds between you and the green – no problem! Nicely floated shot landing majestically on the green carpet. Birdie time!!!!!

Lunchtime, mad dash to the canteen before the Boss catches us leaving the factory floor early (they had a lot to worry about!). Rotten sambos again; 20 years of ham sambos and fig rolls and targets and repetitive crap...help!

Back to the grindstone. Three and a half hours to go, the target’s knackered now but who cares? At least the golf was good! Bad attitude that!Endless repetition, 5,000 times a day, 25,000 times per week, 100,000 times a month. Helmand province in Afghanistan definitely looks a good alternative! Wake up, back to work; 3,000 done, not too bad for a Monday, with a hangover and five hours sleep; staying on in the Clubhouse after the regular Sunday 4ball wasn’t such a good idea after all! Another few holes on the Atlantic horizon, and it will be time for home. The sixteenth Par five is a monster hole and takes three good strikes to even see the hidden green.

4pm. Thank God and we’re on the home straight. Visit the loo; more operators in the toilet than on the factory floor. 5,400 days I’ve suffered to keep the Opel empire functioning and kept my kids from starving, pay the mortgage and keep the greedy bankers in business!

But at least I survived another day as factory cannon fodder, at least they can never imprison your mind!

by Paddy Mc Menamin